I always thought I was pretty good with my emotions. I look at all the things I have accomplished in life, and I have a lot of success already under my belt.
And yet every time I tried to run a small business, it never quite worked out. I knew I could – I’m bright, driven, ambitious, flexible, multi-passionate and multi-talented. Super organised. I have an English degree, and a lot of energy. Wasn’t that enough?
It might be, for other people. I see other people who start their business and there’s a lot less personal development. They just… get up and do it. I envy them. I have been down some rabbit holes this year that have made me physically sick from past trauma, given me nightmares and stress.
I started decluttering in October in 2020. I decluttered for three months, and I knew it was because something big was coming. It wasn’t work, it was about me, and it hovered on the horizon for ages while I cleaned and threw out and decluttered and then in January 2021 I finally took real action, and paid for the first meaningful course that set me on my path to re-starting my hopes of coaching, and running my own business.
And to sell myself and my skills, I wanted to be rock solid on who I am, what I offer, and what I can do. I have learnt about the business I want to run, and it feels ethical and aligned. I have learned about consent driven marketing, and I love it. I have remembered so much of past.
I used to think I didn’t remember anything. The last nine months have told me that is a lie. I thought I was pretty good at spotting my own lies to myself, and while I am better than average, there’s also the lies that your subconscious tells you as well, and those ones are much harder to kill, like cockroaches under the fridge. It’s the subconscious where I have needed to do all the mental work, and this is a different language, a different way of communicating with myself.
I’ve always seen my pagan ways as being the way I communicate with my lizard brain as well as a way of honouring Deity. When I stopped opening that communication channel so much I think I started to lose something. Now that I am starting again, the gears are rusty and the wheels squeak weirdly, but it’s all lead by the heart and there is no right or wrong way to honour Deity.
I just need to choose to do it.
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